LAFF ALL THE WAY

 (SOME KNOWN AND SOME UNKNOWN JOKES)

(I HAVE DECIDED NOT MENTION SARDAR IN ANY JOKE)

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
CHANGU stands up- we must find & stop her!.

CHANGU-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
CHANGU-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
CHANGU: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

CHANGU was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in                     column "Salary Expected".  After much thought he wrote: Yes!

CHANGU told his servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: it's already raining.

CHANGU: So   what? Take an umbrella and go.

CHANGU wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax.

Angry CHANGU: "Give me 20 cr or else  return my 20 Rs back.

Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
CHANGU:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

CHANGU’s wish :when I die, I wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not     screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

CHANGU at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror!

CHANGU was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
CHANGU: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Locals have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

A man asked CHANGU, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.   CHANGU replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and    the  problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater      than this one?                                                                     

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your   burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left   me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound    intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"


Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail,  the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280.    Please be careful!". "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the definition of lawyer?
The larva form of a politician

CHANGU comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
How do you recognize a CHANGUS in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once CHANGU was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man   asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

CHANGU bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he   lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. " When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya? (What Happened, My Son?)
The CHANGU got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti   wale   pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, ) aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!

CHANGU decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens . because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said CHANGU, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

2 Dost Suicide karne gaye, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!"

Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha hai ki Reliance mein Job.

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

CHANGU to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya,

CHANGU: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

How can a CHANGU Kill a Lion ? CHANGU thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink      poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.

A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess what they named them...

Jo Hua, So Hua.

Wife : Honey ...What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character thik ho jaaega.....

Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya hoga....???

CHANGU: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..?

Biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.

CHANGU : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was   doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

Man before Marriage I like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network Follows."

CHANGU : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
CHANGU : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women..and then he turns them into Wives !?

It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ......KAAMWALI

After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He Checked 1st patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch & finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEK HAI

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a
positive side!

Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!

It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

Changu aur Mangu motor cycle per bomb le kar jarahe the,
Rastey main speed breaker ki waja say jhatkay lag rahe the
Mangu bola yaar aaram se gadi chalao kahi bomb na phatjaye,
Changu...Oo tussi fikar hi na kar usi ke pass doosra bhi toh bomb hai

Ek sharabi raatkay waqt apne dost ke sath ja raha hota hai. raste
main talab per nazar padhti hai tho us mein us ko chand dikhta hai woh
apne dost say kahta hai yaar ye kya hai.dost kehta hai, chand hai. sharabi hairan ho
kar yaar hum log itne upar aagaye

Changu goes to a TV shop and asks, 'Aap ke paas color TV hai kya?'
'Haan' replies shop owner . Changu says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'

Changu calls  Mangu on the phone & says "Hi, Main Bol Raha Hoon".
The other Mangu replies "Kamaal Hain,Ithe bhi Main Bol Raha Hoon!"

Ek pathan Cycle chalate aur gungunate huwe kahin ja raha tha raste
mein ek Aurat se takra betha.
Aurat chilla kar boli "Break nahi maar saktey the kya ??? "
Pathan herat se... "Pura cycle mar diya abhi break mar kar kya faida."

Budiya:Arey dekho iss kambakht maare ko mere sath larki ja rahi he
osse nahi dekh raha kab se mujhe taare chala ja ria he...!
Aadmi:Aray.. ! amma darasal ye kabaria he purana maal dekh raha he.

Ustaad: aap jab hanste hai to aap ke dimples padte hai aap bahut
ache lagte hai dil chahta he aap ko pyar karloon.
Bachi: Sir, mujhse zyada dimple to mere ammi ke padte hain.

Ek ladki apne boy friend ke saath nayi gadi main long drive par ja rahi thi
achanak ladki kahne lagi.....suno ! kya tum ek haath se gadi chala saktey ho ?
kyon nahi.....ladke ne bade fakhr se gardan akdaai... ladki ne aahista se kaha........ ..

"to phir doosrey haath se apni naak saaf kar lo "

Changu : (Apne bete se bola) Bevakuf...kaisa machis leke aaya hai, ek bhi tili nahin jalti.
Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test karke laya hu.

Doctor : Aap ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Changu: Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saalse mera khoon jo pee rahi hai....

Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban gaye.."
Changu- " Meri wife ko nahi bolna.. main usey SURPRISE doonga..!"

Hum Ne Un Ki Yaad Main Ro Ro Kar Matke Bhar Diye
Wo Bewafa Aye Aur Naha Kar Chal Diye

Neend mujhey raat bhar aati hai kam ,
Shayad macharon ko bi mil gaya hai sanam

Tuje bin zindagi ka tasawar hi nahin hai ,
Tere sang ho zindagi aisa bi koi scene nahin hai
Iss duniya mein, tumhe sab sey haseen ho
mein aur kahon jhoot kitna, ke tum ko yakeen ho

Roz khwab mein nazar aatey ho tum
kyon mujhe neend mein bhi daratay ho tum

Kal raat machar ne kata mere chehre par,
dil mien junoon tha...aankhon meIn khoon tha,
uthaya ussay masal dene ke liye par khayal aya,
kambakht mein apna hi khoon tha

Admi Nayi Se bola “Mujhe TERE NAAM filmwali Cutting Kar Do.
Nayi Uski Tind (bald) Kar Deta Hai
Admi Ghussey Se Ye Kya Kiya Hai ???
Nayi Main Kya Karoon Main Ne Dekha tha End mein.

Changu is in Delhi. He was walking on a street which has Clock Tower
when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Changu says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the
thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Changu figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Changu again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Changu gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.this
time, you wait and I'll go and get a ladder."

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front
of me, do you?"

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Safed saari par jab tum laalbindi lagati ho
khuda ki kasam ambulance nazar aati ho
farq sirf itna hai ke wo ghayal ko le jati hai
or tum ghayal kar jati ho

Changu: eak dookan per jata hai aur kahatha hai, 40 wala chawal hai.
dukandaar: ji hai
Changu:ek kilo dedho
dukandaar: ji janab
Changu: 40 wala chawal kitna ka diya hai.

Ek haseen-o-jameel adaakara ke ghar aag lag gayi..aag par kabu pane
main 10 minut lage.....aur. ......aag bujhane walon par kabu pane
main 40 minut lagay

Ek admi apne dost ki kabar par phool daal raha hota hai
Aur ek kabar mein bhi ek aadmi apne dost ki qkabar par chawal daal raha hota hai
Pehla Aadmi doosre se kehta he " Ye tumhara dost phool sunghne kab uthe ga?"
Doosra dost:"Jab tumhara dost chawal khane uthe ga

Uncle ek bache se kehte hain : beta ek acha sa jhoot bolo agar
mujhe pasand aya tho main tumhen paanch rupay doon ga
bacha masoomiyat se : yeh lo ! abhi to dus rupay kahe the .... !!!!

Ek dost doosre se : yaar har party mein tum yehi kurta kyun pehanthe ho
doosra dost : kyun ke yeh mera khandani kurta hai mere par dada ne pehna
phir dada ne pehna phir mere baap ne pehna iss liye main bhi pehanta hoon
pehla dost : oh acha .. khair yeh bathao ki tumhari umar hogayi hai shadi ki, tum karte kyun nahi ..kya koi ladki pasand nahi ati
doosra dost : nahi yaar ladkiyaan to bahut pasand ati hain
pehla dost : to phir kyun nahi kartay
dosra dost : yaar mere par dada ne nahi ki dada ne nahi ki mere baap
ne nahi ki to phir main kaise karloon ??

Changu happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with two men ahead of him.
'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' demanded the man in front.
He was given a ticket. 'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' the second man asked & was handed a ticket.
Then came the turn of Changu, 'Ek Punjab female dena!'
'What do u mean by Punjab female?' asked the clerk.
'It is for my wife' replied Changu

The Equation:

7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!

Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 be a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 be a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 be a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.

Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1. Too Many Questions.
2. Difficult to Understand.
3. More Explanation is Needed.
4. Result is always FAIL!

A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom

Girlfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil : The moon.
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we dont need it.

Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.

Waiter : Would you like your coffee black?
Customer : What other colours do you have?

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam : It's a family tradition.
Teacher : What do you mean?
Sam : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher : What about your mother?
Sam : She's a woman.

Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
David: You just send a telegram: “Result declared, past year's performance repeated.”

Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be    showing?
Student : Brotherly love.

Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.

Teacher : " Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."
One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpaste and put it back into the tube again.
 
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday, sametime."

Changu opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....why ?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office

A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how she managed to call one in particular
She replied: That's easy. I call them by their surname !

Koi apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli
chamki, badal garje, jor se baarish shuru hui dukhi aadmi bola:
Lagta hai pahunch gayi

Changu enters kitchen and opens the sugar box . Sees inside and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife asks Why are you doing this?
Changu replies: Doc told to check sugar level regularly

Angry Changu- Oye mein is duniya ko mita dunga - mita dunga- mita dunga.
Mangu standing besides said mein tujhe rubber nahi dunga.

Changu: Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Mangu: Post office.

Changu zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalte the, woh kya soch rahe honge....think. ......... ...
"SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"

Changu:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Changu: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.

A friend asks Changu how was ur exam?
Changu: It was ok but i couldnt answer past tense of THINK. I thought, thought & finally i wrote 'THUNK'.

Changu: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta hun to muje sirf awaaz sunayi deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Changu: Phone karte waqt.

Banno asks her lover,"Changu dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a ring?"
"Sure" replies Changu. "Whats ur phone no?"

Changu is not sleeping with his wife! these days
because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.

One day Changu was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a
building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Changu
your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" ....... since Changu  was in panic.
Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window while coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.
when he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

Mangu finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was
okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and
at last wrote - THUNK !!!"

Mangu was going on the road.Then he sees a man who has met with an
accident.so he picks him up puts him in his car and takes him to the
hospital.Then the Mangu realises that the man should have brought by
ambulance.so he takes him back where he picked him
Mangu was driving a car. Suddenly one tyre was punchered.he took spear tyre
and changed in the place of punchered tyre. but unfortunately he misplaced
the four screws to fit the tyre on its place . he was so confused ,,now
what to do,, a pagal(mentally retarted) person was watching this incident.
He came near to Mangu and said," do one thing,, take each one screw from
the remaining three tyre and fit it in this new tyre.There after u can go
where ever u want to. Mangu was so happy and said aree yaar Duniya tume
pagal kahate hai lekin i dont think u are a pagal.

Pagal replied sir,, i m a pagal but i m not a your type.

Once a Changu rescued 6 people from a house burning on fire;
But still the CHANGU was jailed, why?
Because all the rescued persons were fire fighters

TEACHER: Why are you late?
JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!

TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
JOHNY: Me!

TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write



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